Steve's Sodas
by Sorores Animae
Summary: The third installment of the Avengers and Apples series! I hope you guys enjoy! Rated cuz I'm paranoid, reviews are appreciated. Vote who you want the next installment to be about in the reviews, please! Dedicated to Maniac at Midnight for their continued support, thank you so much!


**Hello! I am bringing you the (not) much-anticipated third installment in the Avengers and Apples series! I hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclamer: Avengers not mine. Yandere Simulator not mine. Any of the brands of sodas not mine. Justin Bieber not mine, not that I'd want him anyway.**

 **XD**

* * *

Soda. Pop. Coke.

Whatever it was.

It was confusing. Steve kept hearing about it, but he'd tried some brandless stuff out of a can, and it was nothing like what he was used to. _Blech._ That is, until he was introduced to the joys of real soda.

The _joys._

* * *

Lorelei hummed to herself as she walked.

Along the rafters in the gym.

Which was normal.

So normal.

Anyway, she walked along, occasionally taking a sip out of the can of Pepsi that she was holding. When she came to her favorite spot, she sat down, feet dangling. She was daydreaming, until Steve walked in. Looking down, she waved to the super soldier. A concerned look crossed his face. I guess seeing one of your teammates sitting on a metal bar fifty feet off the ground isn't exactly comforting.

Who knew?

"Are you okay up there?" he called.

"Peachy," she responded. Right before jumping off and landing on a punching bag. Balancing delicately on the bar holding it up, she took another sip of her Pepsi. "What are you up to?"

"Uh...I don't know, honestly. Wandering?"

She nodded as if this was a wise statement, before bursting out laughing. "Ha...anyway, come on! Tony just bought a crate full of sodas!" Heedless of his protests, she happily dragged him to the kitchen.

"What is that?"

Lorelei held up the oddly shaped bottle cheerfully. "Ramune soda. It's really good. You want one?"

"Um, sure?"

She passed him a bottle. "Here, you make sure that the plastic is on the marble and push down with your palm...like this!" The marble popped out of place and fell into the soda, making it fizz.

Curiously, he took a sip. The bubbles made him scrunch his nose and sneeze a little.

At the bar, Tony got a giant nosebleed. "Dammit Steve!" he screamed, "I can't handle this much moe before noon!"

Steve looked even more confused than before. "What's a moe? Is that a soda?" Tony ran over and stuck his face into Steve's.

"You. Are. Too. Damn. Moe," he breathed. Steve wrinkled his nose at the reek of whiskey on the billionaire's breath.

Suddenly, Coulson ran in. He football tackled Tony to the ground, shrieking, "DON'T TOUCH STEVE-SAMA!" Using his super-secret top spy ninja skills, he tied Tony to the fridge's handle. As the billionaire screamed and wiggled around, trying to reach the can of Coke on the counter, Coulson stole Steve's shield and started rubbing his cheek against it. Clint jumped out of the vents suddenly, followed by Natasha and a bowl of popcorn. The two assassins sat on either side of Lorelei. The three passed the popcorn bowl around and watched the beautiful scene unfold before them.

Tony had summoned his Iron Man suit to untie him from the fridge. Finally free, the billionaire wasted no time in chugging the Coke. Refreshed, he started chucking cans of Coke at Coulson, who was foaming at the mouth while bowing to his Senpai-Shrine. The Senpai-Shrine contained one of Steve's old boots, an old bandage, a piece of cloth from the Captain America uniform, and, perhaps the most disturbing of all, a used toothbrush...?

You don't wanna know.

Steve was tied to a chair, which for some reason he couldn't break. Something about a black magic spell from some Oka Ruto person. Meh.

(A/N: Obvious easter egg is obvious. +1 sin.)

Suddenly, Coulson turned to the fourth wall. "Gimme some backup here!" A pallet of Sprite cans appeared out of nowhere. "Thanks!"

No problem.

Everyone turned to Coulson. "Who the hell are you talking to?" Tony asked.

"Um...no one?"

Anyway, Coulson did the one thing you never do with a can of soda.

He shook it as hard as he could, then pierced a hole in it and rolled it toward Tony as fast as he could. Sprite sprayed the billionaire in the face, making him run off, screaming for Jarvis to "Get me to Malibu now!"

Cackling evilly, Coulson ran after him with a random katana, yelling "Get back here, Kokona-chan! Senpai is mine!" at the top of his lungs. Bruce, who had just walked into the scene, stared for a moment with eyes wide, then turned and retreated to his lab. Natasha just facepalmed as Clint and Lorelei laughed their asses off.

* * *

Coulson circled Steve, grinning like a cat looking at a delectable canary. "Oh hel-lo darling! I'm so glad you're finally awake. Watching you sleep is fun, but after a few hours, it does become rather dull."

Steve looked freaked out. "What's going on?!" He looked over at the couch, where three assassins were sitting in a row. "Help!" Clint just grinned.

"No way. This is too funny."

Coulson crept closer, a wireless set of speakers in his grasp. "Say my name."

"Um, Coulson?"

"No, no, darling! My first name."

"...Phil?"

Coulson's grin widened. "Oh, I've waited to hear you say that for so long, darling! Now..." He set up the speakers, one on either side of Steve in his chair. "I'm afraid that I'm going to need to torture you until you love me, darling!" At the press of a button, a playlist of Justin Bieber songs began blasting through the speakers. Steve immediately began writhing in agony, 'cause no one likes Justin Bieber.

Deal with it.

* * *

Steve stared at the ground, eyes blank. "No...more...please..."

Feeling merciful, Clint shot the speakers with his bow. Natasha and Lorelei ran forward to help Steve back to the couch, then settled him down with a milkshake to help him recover from the horror. Meanwhile, Coulson screamed in rage and ran forward, bellowing, "Give Senpai back!" Natasha, being the badass that she is, quickly jabbed a tranquilizer into Coulson's neck, making him faceplant. Lorelei called Fury and quickly explained the situation. Fury agreed to come and pick up his Coulson within five minutes.

When Fury busted through the window, carrying a bottle of Mountain Dew, he was prepared. The effects of the tranquilizer were beginning to wear off, but Coulson was still groggy. He followed the bottle of Mountain Dew with a half-asleep expression and permitted himself to be handcuffed, tied into a straitjacket, dropped off in the specialized 'Yandere-Coulson' room on the helicarrier, and observed (for science!) for the next few days, happily eliminating several gallons of Mountain Dew the whole time.

Steve eventually made a full recovery, though he did shudder every time someone mentioned Justin Bieber. The milkshakes helped with that.

Bruce remained traumatized about what he'd seen that day, and ended up joining Tony at his Malibu house, where the Science Bros managed to blow up the roof with a combination of drunk science and Dr. Pepper (which Tony seemed to think was really attractive, for some reason. He kept calling a can of it 'babe').

Clint and Lorelei kept laughing their asses off and prowling (and napping in) the air vents.

Natasha escaped from the tower and went on a two-week mission to escape the madness.

Thor stayed on Asgard because the author was too lazy to write him into any of the scenes.

The author wasted all her time writing fanfiction and playing Yandere Simulator instead of doing her math homework.

And they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

 **Das ende! Don't question what this is. Just don't. I don't know either.**

 **Anyway, vote on who the next one-shot in the Avengers and Apples series should be about in the reviews! Remember, we've already done the whole team, Clint, and now Steve, so you guys can pick Thor, Bruce, Tony, or Natasha. Please don't ask for Lorelei, as I don't think her character is developed enough to write an entire one-shot around.**


End file.
